6/10/2022

Safe Dating Apps For Young Adults

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More than 40 million Americans use online dating services or dating apps. As is the case when meeting someone new, whether online or offline, it’s wise to keep a few safety precautions in mind. Dating apps don’t conduct criminal background checks on users, so it’s up to each user to determine if they are comfortable meeting up with someone. However, it is important to remember that if you do experience sexual assault or violence while dating online or using an app, it is not your fault.

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Below are some steps you can take to increase your safety when interacting with others through online dating apps and services—whether you are interacting virtually or in person. Like any safety tips, they are not a guarantee, but they may help you feel more secure.

When Connecting Online

Use different photos for your dating profile. It’s easy to do a reverse image search with Google. If your dating profile has a photo that also shows up on your Instagram or Facebook account, it will be easier for someone to find you on social media.

Avoid connecting with suspicious profiles. If the person you matched with has no bio, linked social media accounts, and has only posted one picture, it may be a fake account. It’s important to use caution if you choose to connect with someone you have so little information about.

Check out your potential date on social media. If you know your match’s name or handles on social media—or better yet if you have mutual friends online—look them up and make sure they aren’t “catfishing” you by using a fake social media account to create their dating profile.

Block and report suspicious users. You can block and report another user if you feel their profile is suspicious or if they have acted inappropriately toward you. This can often be done anonymously before or after you’ve matched. As with any personal interaction, it is always possible for people to misrepresent themselves. Trust your instincts about whether you feel someone is representing themself truthfully or not.

The list below offers a few examples of some common stories or suspicious behaviors scammers may use to build trust and sympathy so they can manipulate another user in an unhealthy way.

Asks for financial assistance in any way, often because of a sudden personal crisis
Claims to be from the United States but is currently living, working, or traveling abroad
Claims to be recently widowed with children
Disappears suddenly from the site then reappears under a different name
Gives vague answers to specific questions
Overly complimentary and romantic too early in your communication
Pressures you to provide your phone number or talk outside the dating app or site
Requests your home or work address under the guise of sending flowers or gifts
Tells inconsistent or grandiose stories
Uses disjointed language and grammar, but has a high level of education

Examples of user behavior you may want to report can include:

Requests financial assistance
Requests photographs
Is a minor
Sends harassing or offensive messages
Attempts to threaten or intimidate you in any way
Seems to have created a fake profile
Tries to sell you products or services

Wait to Share Personal Information. Never give someone you haven’t met with in person your personal information, including your: social security number, credit card details, bank information, or work or home address. Dating apps and websites will never send you an email asking for your username and password information, so if you receive a request for your login information, delete it and consider reporting.

Don’t Respond to Requests for Financial Help. No matter how convincing and compelling someone’s reason may seem, never respond to a request to send money, especially overseas or via wire transfer. If you do get such a request, report it to the app or site you’re using immediately. For more information, check out the U.S. Federal Trade Commission's tips on avoiding online dating scams.

When Meeting in Person

Video chat before you meet up in person. Once you have matched with a potential date and chatted, consider scheduling a video chat with them before meeting up in person for the first time. This can be a good way to help ensure your match is who they claim to be in their profile. If they strongly resist a video call, that could be a sign of suspicious activity.

Tell a friend where you’re going. Take a screenshot of your date’s profile and send it to a friend. Let at least one friend know where and when you plan to go on your date. If you continue your date in another place you hadn’t planned on, text a friend to let them know your new location. It may also be helpful to arrange to text or call a friend partway through the date or when you get home to check in.

Meet in a public place. For your first date, avoid meeting someone you don’t know well yet in your home, apartment, or workplace. It may make both you and your date feel more comfortable to meet in a coffee shop, restaurant, or bar with plenty of other people around. Avoid meeting in public parks and other isolated locations for first dates.

Don’t rely on your date for transportation. It's important that you are in control of your own transportation to and from the date so that you can leave whenever you want and do not have to rely on your date in case you start feeling uncomfortable. Even if the person you're meeting volunteers to pick you up, avoid getting into a vehicle with someone you don’t know and trust, especially if it’s the first meeting.

Have a few ride share apps downloaded on your phone so in case one is not working when you need it, you’ll have a backup. Make sure you have data on your phone and it’s fully charged, or consider bringing your charger or a portable battery with you.

Stick to what you’re most comfortable with. There’s nothing wrong with having a few drinks on a date. Try to keep your limits in mind and do not feel pressured to drink just because your date is drinking. It can also be a good idea to avoid taking drugs before or during a first date with someone new because drugs could alter your perception of reality or have unexpected interactions with alcohol.

Enlist the help of a bartender or waiter. If you feel uncomfortable in a situation, it can help to find an advocate nearby. You can enlist the help of a waiter or bartender to help you create a distraction, call the police, or get a safe ride home.

Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable, trust your instincts and feel free to leave a date or cut off communication with whoever is making you feel unsafe. Do not worry about feeling rude—your safety is most important, and your date should understand that.

If you felt uncomfortable or unsafe during the date, remember you can always unmatch, block, or report your match after meeting up in person which will keep them from being able to access your profile in the future.

Sexual assault and harassment are never acceptable and are never the victim’s fault no matter what you were wearing, drinking, or whom you were with. The National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE and online.rainn.org) is here to listen and provide resources, and is anonymous, free, and available 24/7.

While dating at any age can be an emotional minefield, few adults would choose to relive their turbulent teenage years when at the best of times the first jolts of romantic angst typically had seismic results on our psyche.

Until age 25, the prefrontal cortext—the area that forms cognitive maturity—is still developing.¹ Obviously, this lack of discernment during a life period in which impulsivity and heightened passion rule, further diminish the ability to navigate new and daunting life stages.

According to a 2016 study of more than 4,000 Australian youths, over 50% of young people have started dating by the age of 15.² Adolescents and young adults already have so much to deal with besides dating: navigating social and academic pressure in high school, separating from and individuating from parents, transitioning to college, struggling to figure out who they want to become… A colleague who specializes in treating adolescents says, “Most of them say, ‘I’m lost. I have no idea what I’m doing and it feels like everyone else has it all figured out.’”

Statistics also show 1 in 5 young people in the country—20%— suffer from a mental illness such as depression, anxiety, trauma, and self-esteem issues.³ Certainly growing up in an era where social media is omnipresent—frequently overshadowing in-person contact—the awkwardness, confusion and sometimes desperation of trying to forge romantic relationships is even more stressful.

While an adolescent ‘relationship’ might last just a few weeks, it can be extremely impactful on a young person’s subsequent romantic life in a positive or negative way. Typically the patterns of relating with a love interest follow what a young person has witnessed from his or her romantic role models—their parents. If mom and dad treated one another and/or their child with frequent displays of temper, belittling and emotional carelessness, that is normal and therefore acceptable.

The Emotional Hurdles of Youthful Dating

*Ann came for therapy at age 21. The college junior, a veteran of numerous short-term relationships, suffered crippling anxiety and self-doubt whenever she started dating someone new. “I keep waiting for the guy to stop calling, or I’m petrified I’ll say something stupid and push him away. I excel in school when I’m single, but if I’m seeing someone, I start failing classes. I’m waiting for my boyfriend to realize I’m deeply unlovable and dump me.”

I asked Ann the first time she felt unlovable. “As long as I can remember. My father always finds fault with me. He’s never paid me a compliment—I’m too thin; my voice is piercing; I don’t know how to be a good daughter. I’ll never get a boyfriend. Once in a while, I think there is a glimpse of something approving in his eyes, but then it fades.”

As we worked together Ann came to realize that her experience of dating was traumatic because she was unconsciously replicating the cruel pattern repeatedly instigated by her father—constantly reaching out to feel safe and loved for who she was, and being continually rejected.

“I see now that my father is the one with issues,” she told me recently. “But my mother never stood up for me or for herself when dad picked on her so I thought that was all she or I deserved.”

Then I tried to simply sum it up for her: “The first person you need to focus on having a loving relationship with is yourself,” I said. “A boyfriend should ADD to your life, not BE your life!”

The Risks of Sex

A 2014 survey of Australian teens reported that one-quarter of the sexually active participants had experienced unwanted sex. The reasons included feeling too frightened or pressured by their partner.

While the #MeToo movement may have shed beams of light on the prevalence of sexual abuse, many young women still remain uncertain about what does and does not constitute healthy sexual relations. Further evidence of the perplexity exists in a 2017 study that examined the prevalence of teenage girls feeling pressured by boys into texting nude selfies. The author concluded that many young women take on the responsibility for handling coercive behaviors due to societal pressure and other factors but lack the tools to do so.⁴

A tragically-common scenario: *Tina blames herself for a forced sexual assault she endured 11 months ago. The 18-year-old cried, “I said no several times when he started sliding inside of me but I didn’t try to fight so it was mutual, right? That’s what *Ken told me. He still texts me to get together even though I never answer.”

When I informed her that she said no! It was rape—no man ever has the right to force or intimidate her, she dissolved in tears of shock and dawning power. “I felt so ashamed like I didn’t have the right to be angry.”

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The young and emotionally insecure are particularly susceptible to peer pressure. *Tim, 26, was haunted by an event that happened in his college years. He recounted feeling ‘coerced’ by his fraternity brothers to take advantage of a date’s drunkenness and have sex. “I knew it was wrong but it felt so good to be treated like one of the guys.” He asked plaintively, “Am I a terrible person? I would never, ever do anything like that again.”

New Dating App For Women

I responded by telling him, “You are a person who did a terrible thing.”

Though he hadn’t seen his victim in years, after a few months of our sessions he located her on Facebook and Dm’ed her. He told me the upshot. “She never wants me to contact her again but said it made her feel a little better that I apologized.”

Doing This Is Crucial

Parents need to help their children develop healthy, caring relationships and to never accept (or dole out) behavior that is less than respectful. Let your child know you want him or her to feel safe asking questions and confiding experiences. And don’t be reticent about finding your child a therapist to aid with this hugely important job

Uncertain how to approach this difficult topic? Read “How to Talk to Teens about Sex and Sexual Harassment” by author, parenting expert and Psycom Editorial Advisor Katie Hurley, LCSW. You can also access more tips by consulting this guide to helping teens develop healthy relationships by experts from Harvard Health.